Journal Entry – Mermaid

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THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS OFFENDS YOU.

 

14th February, 2018 – MERMAID at Cape Patterson

 

I looked back to the rock shelf I’d been sitting on from 50 meters away, 100 meters, 250 meters and each time thought the same thing: my clothes were the exact colour of the craggy formations and so wasn’t that perfect camouflage and all quite by accident. I want to tell you something nice like maybe my soul was still sitting there watching me walk away – I’d certainly felt comfortable enough in my jagged rusty home – but I can’t. Sitting there, my thoughts were swirling just like the tide which was drifting ever closer toward me. Sitting there, I wished I had the answers to the same old questions: money, job, lovers? Sitting there, I decided that today wasn’t the day for it, the thing that had flashed through my mind. Sitting there, I realised that death is so final and maybe is not what I seek but I just want to feel again; to be embraced by the freeze; to be tumbled and twirled like the coral I saw being smashed to the ocean bed; to know what it is to give up any idea of reality; to lose control; to give myself over to it; to be a part of something bigger than anything else; to be lost; to finish with the old and begin again as new; to be able to think “you know what, just take me!?” without fear, reservation mistrust of the process; to feel the salt on my skin – God, what I wouldn’t do to feel that salt on my skin, even on this windy, rainy day! But then I looked at the foam being washed in ahead of the waves that were the size of buildings and I saw the ugliness in it. Where did it come from? I wouldn’t want that touching my skin and seeping into my private parts. The idea of the foam stopped that train of thought. It was then that I really paid attention to my surroundings.

“How can it be so f***ing perfect?” I yelled out loud to myself. I had the entire beach to myself. I mean, the entire beach! The sense of solitude made my soul dance with ecstasy.

“How can it be so f***ing uncorrupted? So pure, untarnished, untouched?” And right then I felt my heart leap. I looked behind me at the cliff face shooting bolt upright into the sky. Pincushioned with streaming plants and small green trees that could only grow in a particular direction due to their extenuating circumstances: the climate; the wind; the sea salt spray; the fact that the sun only reached them at this time of the day – late afternoon and evening. And that was when I really understood: we grow in whatever way we can depending on the symbiotic nature of our surroundings without ever knowing what the outcome will be. We have to trust because the thing is that there are absolutely no answers. Can you imagine that? There are actually NO answers. We just go along from day to day, each of us in our own bumbling fashion, never really knowing the outcome of the next second, minute, hour, day, week. Never knowing if we’ve made the right decision or not. Are there even wrong decisions? Not knowing except by blind faith whether things will turn out or not. And I’m not saying that things don’t matter, because they matter a great deal and we all matter and are matter but maybe if we could give up worrying over every single little matter we might actually get to experience our lives from a higher perspective with a brand new light thrown on it, sung in another octave. All we have to do is just take a deep breath and keep breathing and let the future take care of itself by giving ourselves over completely and utterly to the here and NOW.

I’m ready… 😊

©LMM

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