The Long & Winding Road

It’s so important not,

To look a gift horse in the mouth,

So when she said,

She could help her,

She was quite delighted,

“I will integrate all of your splits,”

My oh my!

But she pushes down her hope,

She swallows it,

Because Black Swans only think,

They are Black Swans,

And Ugly Ducklings are,

Dogged by bad luck – persistently.

How can that change?

girl and hands

 

A new technique…

… that’s going to change her life,

From now on she won’t be able to remember,

The evil men, the nightmares, the monsters,

The Therapist promises;

From now on a new life full of hope & wonder.

 

She wakes up the next day,

Who is she? The memories have gone,

But so has she!

She has become a faceless being with no name.

girl - after the lobotmy, shes forgotten who she is

 

 

Daddy, I’m running on empty…

Is that you, daddy?

Is that you haunting me?

It’s time to say goodbye,

So take your noose and fly.

 

I’ll blow you a kiss,

But just remember this,

Don’t take it the wrong way,

Don’t make me regret,

Having my say.

 

Because little girls don’t know,

They just don’t know, daddy,

And I was just a little girl,

After all (I can’t make you happy)!

 

And because of you,

I can’t fill up,

Not even with the wrong men,

At the wrong time and,

In the wrong place …

girl running on empty since daddys curse

 

Snapshots of my life:

We celebrated Tom's birthday back in March.
We celebrated Tom’s birthday back in March.

 

One year out of marriage, single and loving it:

That’s right, it’s one year already and my life has been radically transformed. My life has always been like this: I seem to only have relatively small periods of quiet and then the winds of change blow through and nothing remains the same. I’ve become used to it now.

 

 So to recap, my marriage ended, I found myself back on the single scene, I was helping with my grandson for large blocks of time every week until he moved interstate, my three older children moved out, I considered 3 or 4 different career possibilities, thought about going back to school, am selling my beloved house of 17 years, took boarders into my house, changed cars, dated a man who was completely different to my usual ‘type,’ gave up my internet addiction, became friends with my ex-husband after months of friction, got my passport ready because it’s just a matter of time now before my daughter and I travel overseas, became aware of the many health concerns for myself and two of my children (more on that later), gave up chocolate … no just kidding, that will never happen 🙂

 

The reason for my joy is twofold: I’ve had a wonderful support system both online and in real life, people who have let me go to them, talk to them, who have visited me to ‘check in’ and kept in constant contact. There have been a few people who have questioned me; “but I thought you had the perfect marriage, it certainly seemed that way, so what’s really going on?” And it’s been difficult to explain to those curious people that a) the problems that I had in my marriage were not the sort of problems you talk about and b) I’m not the type to want to continually bombard other people with my problems, I prefer to try and sort it out myself.

 

The other reason for my joy is that I love to be single! Ok, I said it, the thing that many married people really want to say but can never admit to. I’m one of those people who, when a relationship ends I want to throw a party because that means I’m single again! Woo-hoo, time to celebrate! And it’s not about the sex either – although this year has taught me that sex is everywhere and anyone can get it whenever they like. I’ve had several men pursue me this year but I politely turned them all away except for one who I dated until the differences in our personalities and life goals became so glaringly obvious that we had to part.

 

But, and here’s the kicker, guess what? Life is not an ‘either OR’ situation. Let me explain: I thought for years that I had only two options; I either stayed in my unhappy marriage OR resigned myself to being alone and sad for the rest of my life. Poppycock!! There are soooo many options these days one of which is to remain ‘happily single.’ Fortunately for me I know a lot of other people who are pursuing this lifestyle and so I don’t feel alone in my choices.

 

The wonderful thing about getting older is that you are more sure of your decisions and become more self-contained. Well, I am anyway. Back in my 20’s if a relationship ended I would smoke myself silly, binge drink, lose lots of weight and go straight back out there to find someone to replace my lost love even if it meant settling – it was the only way I could ease the heartache. These days I’m more inclined to pack his things tidily into a little box, change my facebook settings and wave ‘byee’ from the front door as I enthusiastically, mentally plan my next step in my jam packed life. I mean, I have a big family and lots of friends and many dreams to travel, write and craft.

 

There’s so much more I’ve learnt this year about the dating scene which will probably be my next article eg: are dating sites really all they’re cracked up to be. Stay tuned 🙂

 

free spirit