Journal entry:

My children and I weren’t born with silver spoons in our mouths: quite often we were alone together and their fathers were absent for whatever reason. There were no hands-on grandparents to help out, no high-flying career to bail us out of tough financial times. But you know what? You don’t get strong by swimming downstream without a current. The outcome of all of that is that there is an unbreakable bond between us and my children’s ability to endure and apply themselves to hard work and tough circumstances takes my breath away 🙂

girl gif

35 was my lucky number:

Maybe it was time to go back,

She knew he would be there waiting for her,

But then she remembered his emotional betrayal,

She hadn’t rekindled their connection for that!

She was trying to improve her life,

Not to take a step back.

 

There are silent battles and steep hills,

But she’s spread-eagled on the ground,

With shield & weapon flung aside,

And her breath just won’t return,

Love had become her enemy,

And the summit seemed ever so far.

girl and man one by one

 

 

 

Internet Lovers IIII

I get to the mornings,

And the poison leaks away from the black nights,

If I really loved myself,

I wouldn’t keep putting myself through this,

But there’s this hope

That what we have transcends all,

Does it?

I’m not sure my mirror will keep lying,

And so I wait . . .

girl mirrir

 

Internet Lovers III

He called her his “Little Nut,”

Because every mighty oak,

Started out as a lil’ nut that just wouldn’t quit 🙂

So she spends her days waiting for him,

To wake up on the other side of the pond.

 

Her 3am became the breaking of the fast.

He was like lightning in a bottle,

On that screen,

And she had to drink it,

Had to feel it coursing through her veins.

making love

 

 

 

 

Internet Lovers II:

It’s true,

Some of my dreams didn’t come true,

But then again, most of them did,

Every love seems better than the last,

And that’s because it is.

 

Had he been waiting,

For someone like me?

I’m a dime-a-dozen,

I can admit it, but him!

Even with his walls & his mess inside,

I am NOT REPELLED,

I’m still gazing from afar.

chair girl mona

 

 

The child in you needs love too:

Little babies grown into big people,

She didn’t know it would feel like this;

She was always on the lookout,

For someone who might need her,

But then she realised;

Maybe at this stage of life,

It was time for her to rescue herself,

She strokes herself tenderly …

even though he threw her life into chaos she still loves him mona

 

Not Getting Any Younger:

This alone time;

It never lasted long,

Tick, tick, tick,

Says the clock

That’s right!

Time to inflict herself,

On another unsuspecting:

You don’t run from,

Four weddings & a marriage,

Without there being,

Some kind of atonement,

The past was catching up with her,

Karma doesn’t stay buried in the ground,

She tells herself she doesn’t need him,

(to keep him safe),

But there’s that damn ticking again,

And time doesn’t grow on trees,

You know!

time and tree

 

 

The Test:

She knows it’s a test!

He’s lying there,

In the next room,

And somehow she must resist:

Throaty nothings whispered,

Into her ear,

And that pelvic thrust…

But no, no!

She must resist,

Drowning in her desires,

But this time she would pass the test.

girl0987uty

 

 

Retribution:

His eyes bore into hers,

Just for a second,

And in that moment,

She saw his fantasy of her,

– how he wanted her.

 

But divine retribution,

Always has its way,

And she would not,

Make him a victim,

Of her love;

Just another casualty.

 

So she released him,

Back to domestication,

Quite like a balloon.

man0976

 

One year out of marriage, single and loving it:

That’s right, it’s one year already and my life has been radically transformed. My life has always been like this: I seem to only have relatively small periods of quiet and then the winds of change blow through and nothing remains the same. I’ve become used to it now.

 

 So to recap, my marriage ended, I found myself back on the single scene, I was helping with my grandson for large blocks of time every week until he moved interstate, my three older children moved out, I considered 3 or 4 different career possibilities, thought about going back to school, am selling my beloved house of 17 years, took boarders into my house, changed cars, dated a man who was completely different to my usual ‘type,’ gave up my internet addiction, became friends with my ex-husband after months of friction, got my passport ready because it’s just a matter of time now before my daughter and I travel overseas, became aware of the many health concerns for myself and two of my children (more on that later), gave up chocolate … no just kidding, that will never happen 🙂

 

The reason for my joy is twofold: I’ve had a wonderful support system both online and in real life, people who have let me go to them, talk to them, who have visited me to ‘check in’ and kept in constant contact. There have been a few people who have questioned me; “but I thought you had the perfect marriage, it certainly seemed that way, so what’s really going on?” And it’s been difficult to explain to those curious people that a) the problems that I had in my marriage were not the sort of problems you talk about and b) I’m not the type to want to continually bombard other people with my problems, I prefer to try and sort it out myself.

 

The other reason for my joy is that I love to be single! Ok, I said it, the thing that many married people really want to say but can never admit to. I’m one of those people who, when a relationship ends I want to throw a party because that means I’m single again! Woo-hoo, time to celebrate! And it’s not about the sex either – although this year has taught me that sex is everywhere and anyone can get it whenever they like. I’ve had several men pursue me this year but I politely turned them all away except for one who I dated until the differences in our personalities and life goals became so glaringly obvious that we had to part.

 

But, and here’s the kicker, guess what? Life is not an ‘either OR’ situation. Let me explain: I thought for years that I had only two options; I either stayed in my unhappy marriage OR resigned myself to being alone and sad for the rest of my life. Poppycock!! There are soooo many options these days one of which is to remain ‘happily single.’ Fortunately for me I know a lot of other people who are pursuing this lifestyle and so I don’t feel alone in my choices.

 

The wonderful thing about getting older is that you are more sure of your decisions and become more self-contained. Well, I am anyway. Back in my 20’s if a relationship ended I would smoke myself silly, binge drink, lose lots of weight and go straight back out there to find someone to replace my lost love even if it meant settling – it was the only way I could ease the heartache. These days I’m more inclined to pack his things tidily into a little box, change my facebook settings and wave ‘byee’ from the front door as I enthusiastically, mentally plan my next step in my jam packed life. I mean, I have a big family and lots of friends and many dreams to travel, write and craft.

 

There’s so much more I’ve learnt this year about the dating scene which will probably be my next article eg: are dating sites really all they’re cracked up to be. Stay tuned 🙂

 

free spirit