I write this with a freshly sharpened lead, my love. I write hastily lest the moment be forgotten. I write now before my fingers seize up again. Tonight, not long ago, the wind thrashed my window and whistled around the corner of my house. All was completely calm and then suddenly the black sky opened up and the wind thrashed against my open window. Mon petite chou was nestled beside me in my bed. He was in such a deep, contented sleep. And then the rain came pelting and lightening landed just outside and lit up my darkened room. He started in his sleep; his tiny hands flew up and he would not settle until I took his hand in mine. Then he tucked his other hand under my chin and pushed his face into mine until his nose and forehead were pressed hard against mine and he drifted back to peace.
He touched my heart, my love. Can you imagine? Me, with the heart of stone who doesn’t allow trespassers. I lay there all gone to pieces, my eyelashes fluttering against his cheek and I thought of you. I wondered what you were doing.
I thought about our love; the wastrel of a thing that it is. I thought about how I’d known for a long time now that we were doomed – is it years or decades? I do not know. I thought about how long I’ve loved you – is it years or decades? I do not know. I felt keenly again the hopelessness of us … but then suddenly I also saw the truth. In the same way that I will always love this little boy, your and my love will always come back stronger. In the same way that the calm day will break and this storm will be over, your and my love will always be reborn anew. In the same way that I will always love you, you will always be there for me – you always return to me and I to you.
At some point – tomorrow, the next day or the next week – you will share your words of love for me and I will share mine of you. How long have I loved you? How much have I loved you? How long have I yearned for our rebirth? I do not know. I only know that we are and we always will be.
I drifted soundlessly into peace then knowing that I was not alone for your love holds me and tomorrow – tomorrow, my love…
Written 15th June, 2018